tl;dr: we had a baby, I turned 40, Matt made music, Sally is thriving as always.
This year kicked off with me ready to evict the adorable little squatter that was wreaking havoc on my sleep and pelvic floor. By the time my due date rolled around on January 7th, I wanted to get this show on the road. Thankfully, he heard me and started making moves on the 8th, and Harrison finally appeared on the morning of the 9th in a slightly dramatic fashion (laboring with no meds and no dilation for 8 hours, dropping fetal heart rate, emergency C-section, blah blah blah). Since then, it's been nothing but smooth sailing.
lol jk.
Even with Harrison being as easy a kid as he's been (so far), wow, man. Babies are hard! The impact they have on every area of life is so much bigger than they say, and you don't get it until you're living it (much like labor as it turns out, but instead of lasting 24 hours or so, it lasts, like, forever). We've had a lot of ups and downs, but I think Matt and I are doing a pretty good job at taking everything as it comes and we've become true partners as parents. And it is also my completely unbiased opinion that Harrison is the best baby in the world. He's sweet, thoughtful, funny, smart, and oh-so-adorable. We cooked up a good one.
I can't fully capture my thoughts on my first year of motherhood here, but what I will say is this: I have loved every second of being Harrison's mom. Even the things I don't love, I love. And I am humbled by the fact that from the moment I found out I was pregnant, moving forward there will never be a day where I am not a mom. At the same time, I grapple with the "ands" of motherhood. Motherhood and wifehood: hard. Motherhood and friendships: struggle bus. Motherhood and professional life: #fail. Motherhood and self-care: what's that? Motherhood and ADHD: has anyone seen my keys?
But he's worth all of that strife -- I have never been this in love with another human being. I guess that's what happens when you spend 9 months growing a person inside your body. Side note, you guys: I grew a PERSON. In less than a year. I grew fingers and toes. And eyes and ears. Y'all, I grew a penis. My body really IS a wonderland.
While keeping a child alive has been the focal point of our year, we had a few other things going on in our lives. Matt continued with his restaurant consulting work this year, and at the same time he was able to produce his first solo album which dropped in September before beginning work on his next album. In addition, he's getting traction on composing and producing, and even learned to play the saxophone in record time. Just a few weeks ago, he moved his studio out of Harrison's room and into a space in Union Square which has made everyone in our household happy (except Sally). 2025 is looking up for minus32heartbeat and Big Leather Jacket Productions.
As for me, I had a hard time returning to work after my 16-week parental leave (note: there is absolutely no way I could have gone back at 12 weeks -- thank goodness for my company's parental leave policy). Aside from being away from my kid and missing him desperately (thank god for our amazing nanny), I took on too much too fast without asking for or getting the support I really needed, and for the 8-9 months after giving birth my brain just didn't work the way it used to. Mommy brain is real, it's hard, and if I'm being honest, it's embarrassing. It's gotten more challenging as I've become the only full-time working mom on staff, but I'm working my way through it and each day gets a little bit better. Interestingly, turning 40 made me feel more settled in myself, even with all the physical and mental changes from the past year.
Sally, of course, is thriving while also tolerating this additional thing in our house. It looks like he's sticking around so she's learned to accept that our attention isn't 100% on her, but at the same time she makes it clear that she runs the show.
So, now we move from Year of the Baby to Year of the Toddler. Ahead of us are first steps and first words, probably a tantrum or two or several, even a little bit of travel now that kiddo has proven himself to be a fantastic traveler. Similar to where we were this time last year ahead of H's arrival, we're focused on staying in the moment, recognizing that we don't know what we don't know, and appreciating the minutes and milestones while saying goodbye to those delicious baby moments. Matt and I will continue to learn more about ourselves as parents, partners, and people. Sally will continue living her best life, as always.
Before I send you off into 2025 (which is somehow 5 years after the pandemic, which is impossible because I thought it was still 2015? I won't get into that right now), one final thought:
If you know me, you know I'm a strong believer in the Universe. I believe that you reap what you sow and you attract back the energy you put out, good and bad. Go ahead and pooh-pooh my vision boards all you want, but I have strong conviction that you manifest your fate.
Five years ago, knowing that I, a single person, would be receiving numerous holiday cards announcing engagements and weddings and babies galore, I sent out my first custom holiday card celebrating my career, personal accomplishments, and overall single-dom. On that card, I did what any normal person would do and super-imposed my face onto a family which represented the people and things that supported me and the things I was able to cultivate "even though" I was unattached. It was weird, it was funny (maybe not funny "haha" but more of a "is she okay?" sort of way). It was a risk. But, it kicked off a fun holiday card tradition and I haven't looked back.
Five years later, as I was going through some pictures from this year in preparation for this update, I noticed some similarities:
I mean, hey, we're not all wearing pink, but if that doesn't make you a believer in the power of manifesting, I don't know what will.
So, here's to manifesting nothing but good things in 2025 -- it may take some time to come to fruition, but it's always worth the wait.
Comments